Stories of Another Kind!
by Clone-Eden
Summary: Random stories! Rated T cause I felt like making bad words and hitting people with pipes! Chp. 3 is up! Slight Legato OOCness.
1. Silent Hill

Disclaimer: We don't own Trigun but the American people are willing to die for us is order to get it… Or E-bay for that matter. And I don't think I have to say it, but I don't own Silent Hill either.

C-E/D-E: As promised in one of my other chapters that I forgot, we shall write the random adventures of Trigun, as told by the little dust bunnies beneath my bed. Of course, starting a story sucks as hell for me so I will place this burden on fellow writer (and occasional friend) Didrean Eve. Haha.

**Chapter One:**

**Parodies- Silent Hill aka Damn Stinkin Zombies  
**

((((Start))))

((Onna Sandsteamer))

The chandelier swung overhead as the light from the arching windows dimmed into a fiery grave. The silence filled in where humans once stood. The shadows of figures from the past rustled as the steamer forged it's way forward through the night. Only two beings remained from the crowd, once dominating the room… Two shadows that remained unnoticed throughout the evening, nestled quietly in the darkest corner of the dinning hall.

**Whack.** Knives kicked his darker haired brother with his foot, putting his book down. "Hey, _idiot_. Wake up. Everyone's gone and I don't want to go back to the room with your two _spider_ women."

Vash looked up from the crook in his arm, a large red spot where it rested against his shirt sleeve. "Ugh. You act like they're going to bite you."

Knives stood up, wacking Vash on the head, "**Duh.** Why do you think we came here in the first place? In fact, why _did_ you have to steal Meryl's diary and sell it on E-bay anyway? Where did you even_ **find**_ E-bay!"

Vash squinted as he stood up and held his head to stop the pounding headache, "You know what? I would've never gotten in trouble if you weren't the one who **BOUGHT IT!**"

Knives scoffed and walked down the hall to the group's room with Vash huddling after him, like a shadow with a broken leg. The duo did not notice how quiet the halls had gotten since they left nor how the sand steamer seemed to be slowing down. Instead, our two favorite brothers paused at the door marked 1156 and stood staring as if it were the very gates of hell itself. And lo, it was.

"I **KNOW** YOU TWO ARE OUT THERE! AND IF YOU **KNOW** WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'LL COME IN ON YOUR _**HANDS AND KNEES!**_" a soprano voice echoed from the wooden door, making the two men flinched. Knives stepped back and let his sighing brother drop down and crawl in as the elder held the door open. Muffled voices could be heard, but mostly just Meryl yelling at him for being such a "pudding filled sock puppet" at which the childish Milly responded, "Ooo! Pudding."

Knives leaned against the hall's wall with his ankles crossed and chuckled at his brother's whimpers. Damn, he went about causing Vash suffering _all wrong._ He should have gotten this woman to torture his brother… Oh well. He had fun with the Gung-ho fools and that's all that matters.

**Wham!** Suddenly, the steamer lurches to a stop, sending the tall, platinum blonde plant toppling over into the room's door. Meryl jumped up and ran to the door, trampling Vash who laid sprawled where he fell, and opened the door… Which didn't seem to want to open. In her worry, she repeatedly rammed her shoulder against the wood, not noticing the wails of pain coming from the other side. "Stand back!" Milly said, pulling her stun gun into position…

((On the Other Side of the Door))

Knives hurried to his feet just as the door stopped ramming into his head. _Cha-chick._ He stared at the door, still kneeling.

**BAMMM!**

Milly hopped through the doorway with her stun gun slung over her shoulder and searched the hallway. Meryl's head popped out from behind her and noticed the door pinned against the wall; she sighed and pushed the taller woman out into the hall, walking over and prying the bullet off the door. "Darnit Milly. You didn't have to _wreck_ the door! How are we going to pay this off?"

Vash crawled out of the room and looked around, "That's weird. I could've_ sworn_ Knives was out here!"

"Ugh." The three turned towards the moaning door.

"AH! It's a ghost!" _Cha-chick._ Meryl grabbed Milly's gun before it went off as Vash scrambled up and ran to the door, prying it off his elder sibling.

"No Milly! It's not a ghost!" Meryl struggled with the taller girl until the message sank in and Knives fell to the ground, bleeding heavily. Vash fell to his knees and clutched the lighter blonde's head in a hug.

"YOU WERE TOO YOUNG! WHY MUST THE **GOOD** **_DIE!_**"

**WHACK!** "Let go of me you idiot! Ow dammit. That hurts like hell. And you! Learn to _look_ at what's blocking the door before you beat some one's head in! Ergh," he growled, standing up. Meryl glared at him but then remembered why they ran out there in the first place.

"Oh yeah. Anyone know why the sand steamer stopped?"

Milly shrugged, Vash shook his head and Knives just glared, wiping blood off his forehead. Meryl growled and started walking down the hall followed by the rest. She found her way to the cockpit and pounded on the metal door. When the only sound that returned were the echoes of her banging, the group ventured inside only to find everyone had disappeared. The brakes were pushed to their max and the lights blinked on and off, sending an eerie feeling throughout the room.

They piled outside the cockpit and formed a loose huddle. Knives mused for a while and finally said, "They ditched us. The bastards ditched us. Dammit."

Vash whimpered, "I wish I could say this was the first time this has happened to me but it isn't."

Meryl sighed, rubbing her temples, "Figures, the first vacation I get with you and we're stuck in the middle of the desert. Why do I love you?(1)"

Milly smiled. "But how do we know we're in the middle of the desert? I say we go outside and look! Maybe we just stopped to get some gas!"

Everyone stared at the tall brunette and shook their heads, but soon started walking towards the emergency exit. Vash opened the door. **_Pwish._** A yellow inflatable slide popped out and slowly filled up until it reached the ground, some six stories down. The four pairs of eyes stared at the contraption finish filling itself in silence…

"So who's going first?" Meryl asked as the two brother's turned to each other.

"Paper, rock, SCREW YOU!" Knives said, tossing his beloved brother down the slide. **_Swiff._** Vash rocketed down the smooth material and shot off the end, skidding a good twenty yards until he stopped. Knives desperately tried to hold in his chuckles, so did not notice Meryl creeping up behind him.

"You're next." Push. **_Swiff._**

"AHHHHHHHH!" _skeeef._ He skidded and stopped next to Vash. Meryl sat down on the slide and slid easily, getting up and kicking the two to help them up. Milly slid down just as easily and hopped to the group, actually helping the two men to their feet. A curious fog gripped close to their bodies and soon they could not tell left from right or sand steamer from the ground.

"Wow. How weird! I don't remember _ever_ seeing fog on Gunsmoke!" Milly said, her voice piercing the misty soup.

Knives searched his surroundings and rubbed his chin, "Hmm. This _is_ weird. In fact, it reminds me of a game I played when I was a kid…"

Vash sighed, "Ugh. Not _that_ game…"

((Flashback))

The small SEEDs ship room was illuminated with the tv screen and the only sounds were the mumbled groans of the undead. One small plant huddled in front of the tv screen as his bloodshot eyes scoured the screen looking for the undead to maim. He never noticed the door slide open or his younger brother, wearing bunny pajamies and rubbing his cerulean eyes. "Knives, Rem says you need to go to sleep… She says it's not healthy to stay up for three days straight…."

Knives growled, "I'll go to sleep when Rem _dies!_" He continued to stare at the screen as his brother shrugged and walked back down the hall where Rem lay in her bed, sleeping. The door opened and Vash nudged his foster mother until she grunted.

"Rem. Rem. Knives still won't go to sleeeeeep," he whined to her closed eyes. **Paff!** He squealed as Rem tossed a pillow at his head and pulled him into her arms and onto the bed. They laid down on the bed and Rem smiled into his blonde spikes.

"Don't worry about him. He's just found Steve's old PS2. He'll get over it. Now, go to sleep silly!"

((End Flashback))

"Hmm. I don't like this. It looks too much like the game I played… Guys?" He looked around only to find the group move on without him, barely distinguishable in the fog. He growled and jogged to catch up. "Are you guys even listening to me? I mean, I could just kill **all** of you in one swoop of my hand! I'm a very dangerous man!"

"Yeah. Sure. Milly thought she saw a town over here so we're checking it out. I mean, what could be lurking in this fog? Zombies? Please!" Vash said waving his hand, nonchalantly.

Knives growled but followed them anyway, noticing the ground shift from sandy to gravel as trees started to fill in the sides, moving from glade to forest to impenetrable jungle of tall elks. Knives looked forward hoping to see the others noticed and sighed when he saw how oblivious they were. He sent a glance over his shoulder and froze, spinning around to see a tall, weathered wall blocking their way back.

"Knives?" Said plant whipped around and saw Vash with his head cocked to the side. "What's that?" he asked, walking next to his twin. Knives growled and punched his brother's arm.

"It's a freakin **wall!** We can't go back. I _told_ you this was a bad idea but you listened to your **spiders** instead! Now we're stuck in this- this PLACE!" he finished, tossing his arms into the air and stomping down the road, glaring at the two women as he passed them.

"Alright Knives," Meryl said putting down an adamant foot, "Since you've played the game, why don't you tell us what's going on?"

Knives spun around. "I'd be _happy_ too. Of course, what good will it do if we can't get out **anyway?**" he growled and turned around walking down the road. "There's no point standing around and gaping; we have to get into town and fight our way back out."

Milly jogged up to his side as the Vash and Meryl fell behind in silence. "How did the game end, Mr. Knives?"

Knives smiled as the town came into view, "There are... _multiple_... endings."

The group paused at a road sign, hanging half off it's post with faded white words on a weathered green backdrop, that read:

**Silent Hill  
** Resort and Spa

**Come for the Pampering, Stay for Expirence**

Knives chuckled at the sign as the others looked at him oddly. The town was decrepit and seemed to jump out of the old earth books. Fog still held the group together as they followed Knives to a platform overlooking a misty lake stretching till the ends of time. Buildings lingered at the edge of the white air and shadows moved with no body to make it. In a few words, the group was scared.

They found refuge in a bathroom beside the platform and closed the door as best the rusty hinges would let them to think of a plan. Knives mused in the back and the two women stayed far from the door as Vash searched for anything to use as a weapon(1). The elder plant spun around and pushed past his brother, shoving the door open and walking into the fog. Knives spun around as Vash walked out with a rusty pipe in hand, snatching it from his sibling and saying, "It's no good just standing there. We need to find a map and the radio..."

Meryl and Milly walked out of their safety and looked at Vash, who shrugged and followed after his brother, keeping the girls close. The fog swirled in their wake and more than once, Vash swore he heard moaning...

Knives walked down the streets like he knew the place, with the pipe slung over his shoulder and his ears perked for any sounds. Finally, the group rounded a corner and found the relative safety of a bar. Knives casually walked to it as moaning crept closer from the fog.

**WHAM**_Crack._ The other three, more scared group members tackled their leader and scampered for the bar's door, leaving Knives growling on the cement. The tall plant managed to get up and dust himself off as a zombie limped from the mist, moaning.

**PING!** A well placed hit to the temple and the zombie fell. **PING.** _splorch._ **PING** _splick._ Knvies burried the pipe's end into the zombies skull, enjoying the sound and the dark blood leaking onto the ground. He stood up and flicked a piece of platinum hair from his eyes, disheveled from the attack. He swung the pipe back over his shoulder and whistled himself into the bar.

Inside, the main character spun the pipe and leaned it against a bar stool. He leaned over the counter and grabbed a glass, filling it with water from a bottle nearby and sitting down on a stool, himself. The plant took a deep gulp and filled his mouth halfway with the lifegiving liquid when a voice spoke to him.

"God. Can't you drink anythin' other than water, you _pansy!_"

**PFFFT!** The water jumped from Knives mouth as he jumped out of the chair and stared wildly at the man sitting next to him. Sure enough, the black suit, slightly worn from fighting and weather; the black stringy hair and charcoal eyes above that long nose. The only thing different was a pale tint to his skin and dark circles beneath his eyes.

Knives stared at Wolfwood, former minion and thought to be dead.

Which, in itself, scared the hell out of the plant. Knives backed up until he could reach the pipe, which he grabbed.

**PING!**_Thud._ Knives huffed as he stared at Wolfwood's limp body sprawled on the floor. The plant kicked him for good measures and stepped over the dead body and opened a door at the back of the bar. He found Vash and the girls holding guns and other assorted weapons. Vash smiled.

"Can you _believe_ it? They have an entire arsenal in this little bar! Oh! And we found this radio! And a map!" Knives sighed at his little brother and did not notice his sibling pale with fear, until an arm drapped itself around the elder plant's shoulders and Wolfwood's form hung loosely from the stiff Knives. The former priest rubbed his head as blood trickled down his face.

"Ow! _Damn_, Knives. You got a mean right arm there! If I wasn't already dead, I'd be **dead!**" he said, pushing himself off Knives and walking back to the bar.

Knives stood with his eyes closed as the others stared at the laughing priest behind him. The elder plant shook his head and snapped his hand behind him, pointing to the nonchalant zombie. "_**See!**_ You see why I said this was a **bad** idea! Oooh. I can't wait until one of you turn into a zombie..."

Milly walked past the fuming Knives and hugged Wolfwood, who seemed to have a hard time not eating her or breathing... It was hard to tell. "Oh! Mr. Priest! I'm **so** glad you're back! I was soo worried when you didn't come back to me!"

Meryl ran up to them and pried Milly away, seeing the man's face turn a bad shade of blue. **PING!**_thud._ Knives snuck up on the zombie and hit him over the head once more. The plant stood over his fallen victim and watched his face, making sure he was dead this time. He ignored the wails of Milly and started to walk back outside with the radio on and map in hand, until...

A clammy hand latched on to his retreating ankle and a sharp pain made the grown man welp and fall to the ground, sending the map and radio clatter to the floor. Knives grabbed at his ankle, twisting around to see Wolfwood's smiling face and mouth dappled with blood as he stood up, wiping the crimson from his grin. "Ha! Looks like Mr. **I'm-gonna-hit-the-zombie-over-the-head** is gonna turn into a zombie himself! How's it _feel!_ Think I'll take a few swings at you when _you_ turn!" he finished, sticking out his tounge as Knives glared at him.

Vash ran over to his brother and helped him up to the barstool, settling him down and spinning around to hit Wolfwood over the head. The priest rubbed his head as the former gunman yelled, "Why'd you **do** that! If he turns into a zombie, we'll _never_ be able to get out of here! He's the **_only one_** who knows what we should do!"

Knives reached out and touched his brother's arms, wincing in the pain from his leg (2). "It's ok. There should be a remedy in the hospital. I'm not human, so I should be able to make it there without changing too early. We have guns. We have a map. And the radio will tell us when there's a zombie nearby when it's on," Knives smiled, something so uncharacteristic that it made everyone shiver. His face flushed as he leaned into the counter and Vash turned to brace him. "It's ok. I'll be fine. I've been through **worse,**" he finished with a glare at Vash.

Meryl nodded and grabbed the radio and map from where it fell from Knives' hands. "Let's go. We need the remedy before he changes and eats all of us," she said, taking control of the group. Vash nodded and helped his brother up, Milly walked out of the door first with a machete in her hand and Wolfwood strolled out, smoking.

They wandered into the street with the moans of hundreds of zombies threatening on all sides to burst from the mist and attack... The hospital was miles away and Knives was slowly turning into one of the undead, thanks to "stupid" Wolfwood...

"Let's go," Meryl said, cocking a shotgun and marching into the mist.

((((End))))

* * *

1) You can't tell me that Meryl didn't love Vash at the end of the anime! And.. um the end of the anime is where this is set. In case you're wondering.

2) They don't have weapons because Vash decided the only way Knives could appreciate humans is if he didn't have a way to kill them. This story is set After the Series if that helps... Please. Take either explanation.

3) Is it me, or does Knives have a low tolerance for pain? Oh well. He doesn't like pain and that's way the bite is bothering him.

* * *

C-E/D-E: Oh my god, yes! The first chapter is finally DONE! I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written. And the co-author is Didrean Eve... Don't know if she's written anything but she's great for inspiration! Anyway. Yup, I felt lonely being left out of the whole Random Stories group and I like the way I've done this. I hope you do too!  



	2. Shotguns Don't Kill Zombies Much

Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun or any type of zombie killing game.

C-E/D-E: Second chapter relatively fast! I might as well write this while I'm still in the groove. And poo on you D-E! You're not here to help me! I'll get you... One of these days! Anyway, Clone-Eden here to finish up this story so we can move on to the other, relatively shorter ones!

**Chapter Two:**

**Parodies-Silent Hill aka Shotguns Don't Hurt Zombies Too Well **

((((Start))))

((The Town of Silent Hill, Street))

_Chik-chick._ **BANG!** Meryl loaded her shotgun as the group of five people casually made their way down the misted streets, zombies closing on all sides. Casually considering Vash was holding up his limping brother that was waving his pipe at Wolfwood, trying to hit the zombie priest when he wandered close and tempted the man. Milly huddled behind Meryl, who took the front and cocked the shotgun, definitely _not_ afraid of the walking dead moaning around them. Yup, casual.

Meryl stopped and opened the map as Milly screamed and swung her machete at a corpse crawling it's way towards them. "Hmm. If we take a right... But going down the main street would be faster..." Vash hobbled over to Meryl with Knives still leaning into him, looking paler every minute. The healthy plant looked over her shoulder and frowned.

"Meryl, I think you're holding the map upside down."

The woman's face fell as she stared at the piece of paper... **PAP!**

Vash cringed from Meryl as she slapped him across the face. "I knew that..." she growled, turning the map around and turning on her heel to walk back the way they came. Knives nudged his brother while glaring at Wolfwood, who smiled back and walked alongside Milly. The group had not turned on the radio, seeing as the moans were a dead give away. Soon, Meryl stopped and looked up from the map with the shotgun tucked beneath her arm. "Hospital. There that wasn't too hard!"

"Umm. Meryl. Can we get inside? I think Knives is trying to bite me..." Vash said, pushing his brother off of him and trying to keep his fingers from the elder's mouth. Knives was now completely pale and looking much the same as Wolfwood but acting less rational. Vash sent the priest a pleading glare as the tall, pale dark-haired man sighed and took over managing Knives.

Meryl nodded and flipped the gun back into her hand. Milly brandished her machete and pushed the double glass doors open, carefully picking her way into the main lobby. The group made their way in, leaving the zombies outside moaning with Wolfwood holding Knives firm and Vash holding the pipe Knives dropped when he tried to eat his brother.

The main lobby was a pristine white with the signs of struggle and crumpled papers strewn on the tiled floor. No signs of the living seemed to present itself, only the awkward silence and muffled footsteps of our heroes were the only sounds that echoed in the room. Meryl took the lead, checking the mussed front desk for any map, finding a dusty one of the floors and a few more shotgun shells. She pulled herself out from under the front desk and looked at the other four people, setting the shells on the counter top. Vash walked up and opened the box asking, "This is a hospital... Why do they have shotgun shells here?"

Meryl shrugged, reloading her gun and spreading the map on the counter. Milly and Vash huddled over it with Meryl and studied the floors pointing to spots where they might find the cure, while Wolfwood held onto Knives who tried to pull himself free and eat the living flesh. Vash rolled the map up and stuffed it into his pocket turning to Wolfwood as Knives began gnawing on the priest's shoulder. "Ummm. Right. We need to go down this hall and turn left... The medicine room is the last door on the right."

Wolfwood nodded, cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth, and hit the Knives zombie on his head, sighing and grabbing his clammy arm leading him down the hall the others were already following. Vash took the lead this time and rounded a corner...

"GraaaaAAaaah."

"HOLY CRAP!" **PING!**

The others ran around the corner and found Vash next to a fallen zombie, huffiing. He yelled as it started crawling towards him. **BANG! **Meryl casually set the shotgun to it's head and fired as blood splattered herself and Vash, whom screamed and nearly fainted. Meryl sighed and shook her head. "Come on, the room's just down this hall," she said, taking the lead. Halfway down the hall, Wolfwood remembered something as Knives dragged him, trying to get to the oblivious Milly.

"Wait. Didn't Knives say that radio will tell us when there's zombie nearby?" The group stopped and looked at him, struggling against Knives. Meryl ruffled through her things and Vash shoke the pipe at the conherent zombie.

"You could've remembered earlier, you damned priest!" Vash said as Milly clapped her hands together when Meryl pulled out the tiny radio and flicked it's knobs on.

_Silence._ Meryl shrugged. "Guess there're no zombies around," she said, putting the radio into her pocket and walking down the hall with Milly in tow. Vash stood, mouth agape, looking from Wolfwood and Knives to Meryl and the radio at the end of the hall waving at him. He glared down at them and ran to catch up, leaving Wolfwood grumbling something about "letting Knives go on you _**bastards.**_"

The three stood at the door of the medicine room, successfully located and unfortunately locked. An odd contraption resembling a mini version of a chinese checkers board without the marbles replaced the doorknob of the metal door, tucked away at the end of the quaint hall... Meryl poked it as Vash walked up behind her and Milly. "I think it's a puzzle," Milly said, tilting her brunette head to the side.

Vash stared at it in confusion, crouching down as the girls backed away, letting him see it. "Once again. What is a weird lock doing in a hospital?"

Meryl stepped to lean against the wall and pulled out the map, her slim finger tracing the twisting hallways. Milly ambled over to her short superior as Vash remained crouching and Wolfwood with his watch kneeling on the floor and biting the priest's ankles. "Ah HA!" Meryl yells, jumping from the wall with a smile plastered on her face. "See? The basement should be unlocked! I think we might find something down there."

Vash stood up and walk to her, taking the map. "Hmm. What makes you think that?"

"Well, you know. Janitors always have keys to crap like this... And you can usually find them in basements sooooo, we'll find some keys in the basement!" Meryl said, snapping the map back from the bewildered gunman. Vash stared at the shorter woman, rubbing his head in confusion.

"Wow. That's something I expected from Milly..."

Milly frowned, resting her machete on her shoulder, "It's something I really wanted to do Mr. Vash..."

Wolfwood's grumbling turned the heads of our heroes as he wrestled the relentless Knives to the ground. "Will you people HURRY!"

Meryl sighed, taking the lead once more with her shotgun. Soon, the heroes found themselves at the elevator. _Ding. Shick._ The doors opened to a bloody room covered with crimson handprints falling desperately down to the floor to form a shallow puddle... which Knives starting licking up. "KNIVES!" Vash screamed pulling his elder from the floor.

_Hrmn hrm hrm num._ "AHHHH! HOLY CRAP! HE'S BITING ME!" **PING. **Vash fell backwards into the wall as his companions stood and watched. The gunman gasped, holding desperately onto his shoulder which bloomed crimson blood, turning blanch. Knives struggled to his feet and stumbled forward to eat what ran away only to be pushed back by Wolfwood. Meryl manages to pull Vash into the elevator (distracted by the bite made the task easy) and Wolfwood led Knives into the room by heaving the zombie over his shoulder like a Cross Punisher. Milly tiptoed her way around the edge, trying to avoid the bloody puddle.

_Doo dadoo doooo do do dodo doo._ Milly started swaying to the elevator music as the periodic dings measured their way downward. When she started singing and Meryl resorted to sighing and shaking her head, the final bell dinged to open upon a darkened room with a cage spanning half it's length. The group's footsteps were not the only sounds in this room...

A demon zombie, looking much like a mix between a cat and wolf, prowled its way across the length of it's cage. It's flaring red eyes scanned the victims on the other side, letting an etheral growl spread from its bloodily fanged jowl...

"If you like pina coladas gettin caught in the rain," the radio broke into song from inside Meryl's pocket. Meryl reached into her pocket and brought out the disturbance. The grouped stared... "If you like makin love at midnight in the dunes on the Cape." (1)

Wolfwood grabbed the thing, chunking it to the ground. "A _LITTLE_ TOO LATE, **BASTARD!**"

Meryl growled at the huffing, undead priest and picked up the little radio, dusting it off and placing it back in her pocket. "At least it takes off some of the tension from the situation. Right! Well, it looks like the only way in is through Mister Foaming At The Mouth," she said, placing the shotgun's barrel on her shoulder, "Who wants to go in there and kill that thing? Looks like there are no locks on _that_ door..."

The group stared at the creature, sitting on its haunches and salivating heavily. Vash huffed, lurching towards the cage, clutching his wound and snatching the shotgun from Meryl. He swung open the gate... **BANG!** _chachik_. **BANG! **_thud._

The beast fell on its side with half its head missing as Vash turned and held the shotgun by its barrel to Meryl. The shorter girl took the gun, smiling in fear. "Vash?"

Vash narrowed his eyes at Knives and walked into the cage, stepping over the zombie. Milly nudged Meryl. "Meryl, the radio stopped playing!"

"Oh. It has! Vash must've killed it..." she said, stepping over the beast and leading the way to the back where Vash stood next to a heavy metal door, huffing and looking very pale. Meryl grabbed the cold handle and leaned against the hulk, coaxing the door to move.

_Creaaaaaak._

Relunctantly, the door swung painfully out to reveal a pit with a metal cat walk running around its perimeter, falling down to form stairs to the floor beneath. The group stood on a small platform in front of the door. Down below, floor seemed overgrown with thick green moss but the dim lights high above made anything beneath them indistinguishable. Wolfwood leaned over the railing to peer at the ground below. "Well, at least the radio hasn't come on yet. You think the key's down there somewhere?"

Vash growled walking down the catwalk and plodding down the steps. Meryl jogged after him, followed by the ever loyal Milly, whom dragged Wolfwood along by his invisible leash. "So I wrote to the paper. Took out a personal ad..." the radio chimed, seemingly in its own world, "And though I'm nobody's poet. I thought it wasn't half bad..."

Meryl stopped halfway down the stairs, staring at Vash looking back at her from the bottom of the steps with wide, fearful eyes. **Shunk.** _Skreeeeeeek_. _Skreeeeeeek. _Vash turned the look at the center of the room. A zombie wearing a bloody butchers smock with his head replaced by an elongated, blood splattered pyramid, streching down his front. In his hand, he held a five (four?) (2) foot meat cleaver aka big ass knife. Vash held out his hand to Meryl, who growled and jogged down to him. "No way! You're not going to kill him on your own! Besides, what happened to Mr. Love And Peace?"

Vash glared down at her while Pyramid Head lurched closer. "Zombies aren't human. They don't _deserve_ mercy. _The bastards._" he mumbled. **BANG! **_chachak._ Meryl chuckled cocking the gun as Pyramid Head stumbled back.

**SWACK**. _Splick_. "**GAHHH!**" Vash crumbled to the stairs clutching his front where Pyramid Head's cleaver fell across it.

"Vash!" Meryl yelled._ Skrreeeek. _She spun back around, loading the gun and loading Pyramid Head with shotgun pellets. "Vash!"

Milly ran down to help Meryl while Wolfwood tossed Knives over the railing and ran to help Vash. "Come on. Dammit! Now would be a nice time for you to turn into a zombie! **GOD DAMMIT!** TURN OFF THAT _**DAMN RADIO!**_"

"We will when we beat this stupid zombie!" Meryl said, loading another two shells into the zombie.

Vash clutched Wolfwood's suit, leaning up against the cold stairs. "Wolfwood," he strained through clenched teeth.

"What, Spikey?" the priest answered, looking worriedly at his friend.

"You bastard. You let Knives go." Wolfwood's worry turned to anger at his dying friend. He pushed the bleeding gunman off of him and stood up, placing a cigarette in his mouth.

"_Fine_. You want me to get your damn brother? Then, you'll just get to **die** there." Wolfwood walked passed Pyramid Head and wandered to the drooling Knives ambling around the room like a lost a puppy... except more undead... and plant. The priest grabbed the his former master's ear and dragged him back to the stairs. Pyramid Head was too busy being pumped with bullets to bother him and Meryl glared at him while Milly smiled. The priest led Knives next to his brother, gasping on the stairs, his blood dripping to mossy ground below. Wolfwood let go of the plant's ear and pushed him down to his brother, tossing a finger at Vash while glaring at Knives. "**_Comfort._** And don't try to eat him this time. Right," he said, turning back to Meryl. He leaned towards Milly, "You got any water, Big Girl?"

Milly smiled and handed him a canteen from her pants pocket. "Thanks! Let's see if I can still do this..." he muttered, waving his hand n a cross while mumbling something(3). After all was done, he open the top and tossed the water at Pyramid Head. _Pwssssssh._

The zombie melted to a puddle of unknown liquid. Meyrl gapped, letting the shotgun fall out of her lax grip. She turned to surprise to Wolfwood, handing the canteen to the ever oblivious Milly. "How did you?"

Wolfwood smiled at her. "Holy water!" (4) Her eyes snapped to a glare and she picked up her shotgun, walking over to Vash and Knives. She flinched seeing the gash on Vash's front. Meryl shoved the shotgun into Wolfwood's chest and ran to Vash, cradling his blonde hair in her hands and gently tilting his head up.

"Vash..." she whispered, her pale gray eyes shimmering with tears, "Please don't die..."

"Graahhhh." Vash gurgled, reaching Meryl's stark white cheeks.

"AHHH!" she screamed, dropping his head on the metal stairs and jumping into Milly's shivering arms. Wolfwood growled.

"Dammit. Now I have two of 'em to lug around..." he hauled the two zombie plants up and turned to the two women. "Where're we goin?"

Meryl shook her head and pulled herself from Milly, taking back the shotgun. "Uh. Right. There's a door over there. Let's just hope it's not locked..."

And lo! It wasn't. Our only coherent heroes (Vash and Knives were considered safe in the moss room) found themselves in the janitor's roomm shelves lined the walls with various cleaning products and other unimportant objects. The group dispersed, agreeing that in such a small room no zombies could be present, to search the shelves for anything resembling a key. Milly's ever studious eyes fell upon a box of plain bandages. She smiled, taking the box from it's shelf, "Maybe I can use this on Mr. Vash's wounds!"

Meryl exclaimed in victory, thrusting a tinkling ring of keys into the air. They chuckled over their small victory and wandered back to the mossy room, where Vash and Knives walked around moaning. Wolfwood growled and grabbed the two by their waists carrying them like luggage with no straps. They made their way back to the elevator...

_Doo doda doo dodo doooo dodado doooo. Ding._ Meryl walked out and lead the way back to the room. She stopped smiling at the complicated lock on the door and laughed clenching the keys in her hand...

**BANG!**_ chachick._

"I'm **_NOT_** going through anymore crap for these two idiots." she growled, kicking the door open and breaking the lock she shot. Milly peered around the door frame as Wolfwood dropped his load and walked behind Meryl. He raised a black eyebrow...

"So, where's the medicine?" he asked as the group stared into an empty room lined with shelves. In the middle sat a brown table with a little blue gem on it...

Meryl chuckled... which soon turned to outright, psychotic laughter as she fell to her knees, leaning against the doorframe with her head resting against her arm.

Milly leaned down to help her sempai when she noticed the bandage box diggin into her side. She snapped back up ran to Vash, milling around the hall, pulling out the box as she went. "Mr. Vash! I found these in the janitor's room! Hold still. I want to put one on your wound!"

The peach bandage fit over a small crimson corner of Vash's gash. He blinked and stared at Milly... Gasp! "**I'M CURED!**" (5) he yelled, pulling Milly into a hug. Meryl shot up and ran to the estatic Vash, leaving Wolfwood in the room. He glanced at the little blue gem, a white cloud floating to the ceiling... He pocketed the gem and joined the group.

Vash put a bandage on Knives who snapped out of his stupor. "How did you?" staring at bandage on his ankle.

"See?" Milly said, holding up the box for all to see, "It says 'Reduces Scars. Stops Bleeding. And Cures Zombification!' When I saw it reduces scars, I had to get it! I didn't want Mr. Vash getting any other nasty cuts on him that he doesn't have already!"

Meryl laughed, hugging the taller woman, "Milly! You're a genius!"

"I owe you my life, Milly!" Vash chuckled.

"Lucky break.." Knives muttered, taking his pipe back from whoever had it.

Wolfwood breathed out the last cloud of his cigarette, squelching the butt beneath his shoe. "Right, that's fine and dandy but now we have to figure out how to get outta here."

Mery pulled out the map and unfolded it, placing it against the wall. "It looks like the Hotel is going to be our best bet... It's close to the highway so might still have working phones..."

Vash smiled, "Then let's get going! The quicker we get out the better!"

((The Hotel... Because I'm too lazy to write about how they get there...))

The mist cloaked the tall Victorian building. Dark windows stared like hollow eyes, its wide porched and arching mahogany double door like clenched teeth, the very picture of a tortured soul. Our group of heroes stared from the rusted front gate surrounded by lush green hedges that spread its fingers into the front yard. Vash nudged Wolfwood, "You go in first."

"**What!** No way! Why me?"

"Becuase you're a zombie! If there's anything _incredibly_ dangerous in there, you can talk it out of killing us!"

"That's biased and you have absolutely **NO GROUNDS TO GO ON!** 'Sides! You're a zombie too!" he yelled, ripping off the bandage and sending Vash into moaning fit.

**WAP!** "Put his bandaid back on! No one likes a zombie-Vash!" Meryl shouted, smacking Wolfwood over the head. She growled as Vash returned to normal and lead the way through the hedge maze. They found their way into the front hall, only getting lost thrice in the pesky hedges. The double doors swung open to a dramatic double stair case, leading to two wings. On the left was an open door leading to what looked like a dining room. To the right was a locked room, presumedly leading to a ball room, according to the maps found in the front desk.

Wolfwood pointed to a door on the second floor, "Looks like this suite has the only other phone. The one at the desk doesn't work..."

"Right. Let's go... And hope there're no more puzzles." Meryl said, cocking her shotgun.

And lo! There was one more! (A/N: 3455 words. Yes. This is my longest chapter.) Meryl kicked the door on the second floor, whose handle was oddly bolted down with a lock with two little indentions. Milly sighed. "I guess we should check the other rooms." Of which only two out of the ten on that floor, excluding the suite, opened. Vash found a little handmade doll on the last door in the hall with only one eye, a glittering tiger eye gem. He pocketed it while no one looked and the group went to the other wing. Three doors opened here.

The first held bullets and other objects. The second help a typewriter with a stack of papers next to it. Knives noticed this the skimmed the first page, "Gene Splicing: Plants and Humans?"

"What?" he pondered, leaning down to look at it clearly. The first page was pristine white with only those few letters inked to its surface. He lifted it and found the other pages splotched with red, a giant spot stopping short of the edges.

"Knives?" Vash asked from the doorway as the other's left. He turned around, putting the page back on its pile... (6)

The third door opened to an empty nursery, deathly quiet. In every crib, there was a number ranging from one to six. On the wall, scrawled in red crayon like a child wrote it, was a poem.

"From left to right,  
The children sing,  
One by five which equal six.  
Two we skip to three which plays to five.  
And four by two goes up to six.  
Follow the steps  
And rain shall fall from the sky."

The group stared at this for a while... then they turned to the cribs, the numbers arranged as follows:

123  
456

Knives walked between the cribs, muttering the poem beneath his breath, fingering the soft wood as he passed by them. He reached the door and turned to the opposite wall holding the poem along with the rest of the group. The plant stood for a moment in thought. Then, a comprehensive smile crawled across his pale face. He moved the cribs around, playing with the order until her found the order he was looking for:

156  
342

_Plink. _A small gem fell into crib number six. He lifted his prize, a gleaming ruby, for the others to see. All mouths agape, no one could find the sense to ask, so Knives answered for them. "How did I do it? Easy. One by five equals six. Obviously, the one goes by the five. Two we skip to three plays with five. Since, we already placed five and three and two have to be close to it with space in between, we put them on the second row. Four by two goes up to six, two's in its spot so, four must go in the space between three and two and six is above them," he finished, rolling the gem between his fingers. "Elementary, really."

Meryl glared at the man. "Whatever," and sped past him, snatching the gem from him. They walked back to the door and placed the ruby in the lock. "Great!" Meryl said, looking at their handiwork. "Just one more to go!"

"But Meryl! We already checked all the doors!"

"Ahh. Milly! Don't point those things out!" Meryl whined. "There must be something we overlooked..."

Vash wandered down the hall as the others pulled out the map and poured over it. His hand slipped into his pocket and hit something soft.. He pulled out the doll he found and yelled, tromping back to the door, pulling out the the doll's only eye and placing it in the last hole. _Clink_. **Plunk.**

The others jumped up, deciding weither to smack the crap out of Vash or hug the crap out of him but instead ran inside, trying the phone. Which, unfortunately, did not work. Wolfwood smalled the receiver down, cussing wildly. In his rage, the little blue gem fell out of his pocket and rolled to Milly's feet. As the other worked on calming Wolfwood, Milly picked up the curious gem which shined brightly, despite the lack of light...

Something caught the brunette's eyes in the long bay window of the suite. She wandered to the misted view, the gem shining brighter with every step and the others still oblivious. She gasped when gray shapes turned to definite objects as the window gently swung open and small gray men with large black, shining eyes extended arms with only three fingers to the stammering Milly. (7)

Meryl perked from her grasp on Wolfwood's arm when she heard Milly gasp. The black haired woman turned to look at the strange little men. "Guys! **You idiots!** _**Look!**_" she yelled, thrusting a finger to the aliens. Yes. Aliens.

"Meryl! I think they want us to **come** with them! Can we? Can we? _Oh pleeeeease!_" Milly smiled, clapping her hands together.

"But- but." Meryl stammered.

"Sure! Why not! It's not like there's anywhere else to go!" Wolfwood roared, peeling the awestruck Knives and Vash off of him.

So, our heroes rode into the horizon, escaping the little town known as Silent Hill.

* * *

((((End)))) 

Explanations:

1) In the game, you get this little radio that turns on with static everytime you're near a zombie. We just replaced the static with "The Pina Colado Song".

2) Ok. I never actually payed attention to the game when I watched my brother play it, so if you see any descrepencies pray tell me. This is Pyramid Head, the wickedest bad guy ever made.

3) Not Catholic. Don't sue me if that's wrong and I'm trying not to be heartless here.

4) Does Holy Water work on zombies? Oh well. It does now. I couldn't think I a better way to kill off Pyramid Head.

5) Bandages that heal zombification. Go Milly. The brain child of Didrean and I. I think it's genius. How come we don't have that technology now?

6) Hey. Doesn't ever Silent Hill have some kind of journal or stack of paper that explains something vital? Yeah. I could've gone with that idea buuuuuut. I didn't plan on it that way. Be happy with what you got.

7) Oooooh Yeah. It's one of the alternate endings that you get picked up by aliens. Funny funny funny. We decided it would suit us best.

C-E: Ow. My wrists hurt... I'd like to thank all the readers so far! It's been a long wait, but I finally finished it! And a SPECIAL THANKS to **melikadeanime** and **Chelsea.**

Two reviews. That's gotta be a record for me.


	3. Meryl's Diary

Disclaimer: We don't own Trigun. I ,Didrean, don't even have a working computer! I get to write this on a Windows 98 crapy computer...darn you fate.

**Chapter Three:**

**Meryl's Dairy**

_Dear Diary, _

_My life sucks. Today was one of the worst days of my life so far. It started out as a normal day with Vash and Milly sleeping in till about the time I cooked breakfast for them at noon. Wolfwood woke up a little while after me, mainly because I went in there, smacked him in the head, and told him to. I got breakfast ready, which woke Milly up and I had to hit Vash across the head with a pan or he'd have slept all day. Lazy dumbass. Breakfast was uneventful for the most part till there was only one pancake left in which Wolfwood and Vash fought over it. Afterwords we started to head out to where ever Vash and Wolfwood decided to go today because they are to lazy to actually look at a map and figure out where we needed to go. I really hate those two idiots._

_On the way to where, ever we were attacked by more of those damn bounty hunters hoping to get Vash's bounty for themselves. What is it with men and money anyway! Whoever invented money probably comitted suicide because he killed all that was fun and free in the world. Anyway, thinking that the other three of us were Vash's 'partners', they attacked us too! By the end of the fight I was tired from all the fighting I had done and Milly was, well, Milly. Vash and Wolfwood were fine bacause apparently they're good fighters. In my opinion, they're dumbasses who need to get beat to a pulp so that maybe they could learn some manners._

_We made a campsite by this rock fromation that reminded me of a hand trying to pull us down to hell. It's not the best place to be staying but Vash and Wolfwood are in charge so we need to follow them and do as they say. I still personally hate this place and I'm tired of cooking all the damn food that these two people eat and don't compliment or thank me for it! And I hate this stupid rock formation._

_But, you know, even though I really want to rip those two apart with my bare hands and hear them beg for mercy and pull those two idiots heads off, _(a/n: Not for vodoo dolls Eden.)_Vash can and is very sweet when he's not acting like an idiot to 'fool' everyone. He's even carried Milly and I once when he crashed our car. He barely even complained. Wolfwood can too when he's not poking fun at Vash for something stupid like he usually does. They'd be even nicer if they weren't reading this right now...idiots._

Vash and Wolfwood looked at each other with very scared expresions and then slowly and carfully looked behind them at the short tempered insurance girl that went by the name of Meryl Strife. (a/n:Has anyone noticed that Meryl's last name means exactly how she acts, for the most, part in the dictionary? Cause I have!) She was glaring in a way that not even the most holy of all beings in any culture had seen before. Vash, being scared shitless, was the first to get up with an 'explanation'.

"Hi short gi- Meryl, Wolfwood lost his preaching book or Bible, and we found your book lying on the ground and thought that, well, maybe it was his. So we started to read it to make sure and it ended up being your diary! Isn't that just funny! he he" he said as he gave his signiture fake laugh. Wolfwood on the other hand, being the smart one, took this opportunity to run for his life. It was a smart move on his part because Vash still had welps the size of a grapefruit for about a week.

THE END

a/n: This is the first story I've ever, repeat, EVER written here on fanfic so please go easy on me! If it helps, I helped come up with the storyline of Clone. Don't chase me way with pickforks, PLEASE! Besides, now Eden can take over again! Write to your hearts content Eden, my good good friend!

C-E: Ah. It's nice to see new talent. > Sorry. I'm writting in her chapter. Good job Didrean! I fixed a few errors but that was all.


	4. Legato Has Questions

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun but I intend to win it...

C-E: A long time coming. I decided that if Didrean isn't going to put up a story I'd humor you folks and do one instead. Here we go. The Legato trilogies...

**Chapter Four:**

**Legato Has Questions...**

((((Start))))

It was a normal, agonizing screams-filled day at the Gung-ho Gun's stronghold of strongness. Master Knives lounged on his couch, basking in the light of the blazing fireplace while reading the odd assortment of old Earth literature. He was pleasantly confident that his minions were busying about training, maiming, tracking or just terrorizing random citizens of the desert.

Unbeknownst to the omnipotent plant, the Gung-ho Guns were busying about their way of being lazy. All thirteen minions (excluding Chapel and theEye of Michael) sprawled about the living room in general boredom. But we focus on a small dinning table where Midvalley, Legato, and Elendira sat chatting. Legato munched listlessly on a bowl of cream puffs listening to the other two prattle on.

"... and he says 'No I'm quite sure you had the enchiladas.' So I impale him to the wall with one of my nails... I really wanted that taco... You're Italian, aren't you Midvalley? I can't imagine being a minority-"

Midvalley stopped shining Sylvia to glare at the transvestite sitting across from him. "What do you mean minority? Italian isn't a minority! And just cause you have no distinguishing features about you doesn't mean you can belittle the people who are different!"

Elendira raised his hands in defense, "Cool down! I just mean that Gunsmoke has more white than any other minority!"

"That's a vague generalization," the musician glared.

"Fine, then name at least five other people who aren't white and Plants don't count!" Elendira said, thrusting a defiant, manicured finger into the table.

Midvalley sat back and starting counting on his fingers, "I'm italian. Wolfwood is chinese-"

"Chinese?" Elendira asked, face twisted in confusion.

"Yeah. You didn't know? Um... Is Dominique Russian?"

"Russian? Naw. She might be Spanish…"

Midvalley tilted his head but continued, "Alright, I can see how she's Spanish… That makes three… Damn you might be right… Rei-dai! He's definitely oriental!"

Elendira huffed. "That's only four. You still need one more and I bet you ANYTHING you won't think of another."

Midvalley chewed his lip in thought, looking around at the room full of lazing killers. Rei-dai sat in the arm chair, reading a magazine of swords. Zazi sat upside down on the couch with his spurred boots flipped over the top next to Dominique, demon eye open and staring at the ceiling. E.G. Mine sprawled on the floor as Monev and Gauntlet tried to toss rings around his spikes. And Leonev busied himself with his puppets which, oddly enough, resembled the rest of the Gung-ho guns.

Thus, finding no inspiration there, Midvalley cast his glance on the languid Legato, munching on the last of his dessert and looking quite mournful in doing so. A devious plan popped in the musicians mind and he held up his hand, all five fingers extended. "Legato," he said plainly.

This caused the mind-reading psychopath to look up from his empty bowl to find Elendira's narrowed eyes studying him. The thirteenth Gun shook his head. "I don't see it."

"Sure! He's got to be something! I mean no white person has blue hair and golden eyes. And we already know he doesn't wear contacts from last week's experiment…"

"Sure. But no other race has those kinds of features either!"

"Well, the Japanese do."

Elendira growled. "That's because they dye their hair and everything! Unless you're inferring that Legato is an alien…"

Both men stopped squabbling and turned to the still emotionless Legato... For hours it seems, they both stared at Knives' foremost minion.

Finally, they both sit back and say, "Naaaaw."

Legato broke his signiture calmness with a glare that made the other two jump, raising from the table and storming off. Midvalley turned to Elendira who shrugged and offered a game of thumbwar, which lasted many a minutes and caused quite a riot in the den.

Meanwhile, Legato prowled the halls, growling about worthless minions and whatnot. The psychic stopped just two inches short of Master's metal door. He shook his head. "I must get this out of my head," the blue-haired man said, pushing the door open with Vash's hand. Inside, Legato laid his eyes on Knives' sleeping form, earth literature rested on his chest. So the top minion stealthly turned to leave-

"What is it, Legato?" the plant growled, eyes still closed.

Legato cringed slightly but gained composure quick and walked to stand behind the Master's couch. Legato bowed his respect before stating his purpose, "Master. Please forgive my interruption. It seems I have encountered a dilemma-"

"While tracking my little brother or killing off meaningless humans?" the plant asked.

Legato stood silently until Knives sighed. "Alright. What's the problem?"

The minion bounded in front of the couch and sat on the table opposite it. Knives opened one eye to glare at his favored minion, who averted his shimmering eyes to rug. "Um, Master. Do you think I'm an alien?"

Knives growled and sat up to glare at Legato more efficiently. "What are you talking about?"

Legato figeted, his lanky fingers playing with his coat. "Well, Midvalley and Elendira were talking and they said I looked like an alien. They said I don't look Japanese or evenwhite. So I just wondered-"

"Legato," the plant's curt tone snapped Legato's head to his superior's face. "This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your mission."

"Yes," Legato whimpered, dropping his face to the floor. "But it would clear my mind of confusion. Please Master. All I ask of you is to answer my question..."

Knives laid back, growling and massaging his temples. "Alright, alright. Technically Legato, since your species never originated from this planet you are an alien. Furthermore, your mental state alienates you from mainstream society, making you more of an alien-"

"Um. Master. I just want to know my ethnicity..."

The plant sent a sidelong glare at his minionbut soon continued, "Legato that doesn't matter. Just be satisfied with the fact you're a human and leave. I need my sleep and your presence is keeping me from getting it."

So Legato stood, bowed, and walked out the door to the living room where the rest of the Gung-ho Guns lounged. He walked to the table Midvalley and Elendira still sat at (having finished a rousing game of Thumb War) and loomed over them. Both men peered up at their leader, mildly afraid.

"I am human and that is all I must worry myself about." Legato walked off, leaving musician and tranvestite in a cloud of whirling confusion.

((((End))))

C-E: Is this short? I don't know. I'm too lazy to look. There it is. The first of Legato's questions. The rest will follow soon so don't fret or maybe do. I don't know it's up to you. I'M STOPPING TALKING.


	5. Legato Has More Questions

Disclamer: GENERIC DISCLAIMER and I don't own Twister…

C-E: Huh. Now I can say you people actually asked for this one. It's nice to feel liked. I would just like to take this time to say, Thanks… To all five of you…. Who have reviewed. Anyway, another Legato Has Questions is about to be written. To tell you the truth I have no idea what this one will be sooooo don't feel gypped in the end! Enjoy.

**Chapter Five:**

**Legato Has More Questions…**

((((Start))))

Another morning at the Gung-ho Guns stronghold and Master Knives lazed about once more. Actually, he soaked in a boiling bubble bath, aromatic with lilacs and rose petals, closing his navy eyes and listening to the manic laughter of his minions in the living room.

Manic laughter?

Knives growled, deciding it would be better for his nerves and for his minions to go into denial and believe the Gung-ho Guns are working…

Which, of course, was completely untrue.

A group of assassins lay tangled on the ground on top of a Twisters mat. General cussing and yelps can be heard from the chaotic mass as spikes poke into ribs and some try to pinch others. Midvalley, Elendira, and Legato were the only ones of the group smart enough to avoid stupid stunts (A/N:… Not that I'm saying Twister is stupid.) So, the three sat at the only table in the room, which now held a small flag with a hand-drawn pastry puff on it, deeming the table Legato's.

All ownership of random furniture aside, the three sat, as always, alone and rather bored. Considering Vash's disappearance, the remaining killers did not really have a plethora of jobs. Those strapped for cash actually took up seconds jobs (failing miserably after literally "stepping on others" until their brains squeezed out of the cracks in their skulls in order to get to the top) but soon gave up and decided to risk living near Knives in order to grab a free ride.

But that is beside the point.

Or maybe not. Midvalley shines his saxophone as Elendira drummed the table with her (his?) manicured, red-tipped nails. "I can't _believe_ this! How long do you think it'll take until Knives starts noticing all the food is missing and his minions are doing **nothing** and getting fat? I'll tell you. _SECONDS!_ We're all going to **die** if we keep this up!"

"Ugh! This is the third week you've said that!" Midvalley grumbles, leaning back in his chair to glare at Elendira. Legato listened, half-intently, to the conversation while eating a tub of mini-éclairs. "I don't think Knives knows or even _cares_. As long as he knows Vash is suffering then he's happy. And that's how come we have Chapel to give him those faulty reports about babies dying and puppies exploding. It's all fine," he finished, resting his head on the back of the chair.

Elendira sighed, resting her chin on her palm. "Still. I wish we could think of some way to at least, _act _like we're working..."

Midvalley put his shimmering sax on the table and stared at Legato in quite concentration, absently playing with the sax's keys."Well, what're we good at?" he asked to the bewildered Legato.

Elendira sat back, turning towards the twisted mass of Gung-ho Guns. "I think Rai-dei can make rice balls or something-"

_**SLAM!**_

Midvalley jumps up, slamming his palm on the table and thrusting a epiphanic finger at Elendira's face. "**THAT'S IT!** We'll have a **bake sale**! I can make a pretty good sponge cake when given enough time!" he said, settling back down with wide brown eyes poorly masking his fiery excitement.

Elendira smiled and tapped the tabletop with her fingertip. "Yeah! And I'm sure Legato knows lots of dessert recipes, don't you Legato? And Zazi's gotta know how to make those candies with the worms and crap in them. I'm sure Domi knows some trail mix and you just _have_ to try Gauntlet's tapioca!"

Midvalley leaned back with his arms crossed over his chest, nodding. "It's flawless. There's no doubt that we'll make enough money to stave off Knives and continue living here until Wolfwood _**actually**_ finds Vash! But..." he paused staring at Elendira, "where do we set up shop?"

Both assassins stopped their brainstorming and looked at each other across the table in balked inspiration, quietly passing ideas between each other. A swift smile flitted over Elendira's face and made Midvalley raise a dark eyebrow in interest. She slid her chair close to Legato, making sure to make enough racket to pull the psychic's face out of his beloved dessert. With a stunning grace blooming around her, Elendira carefully picked up Legato's hands from the plastic tub and placed them on the tabletop, encompassing them with her own milky hands.

Legato first stared at his nearly empty tub... then he looked at his hands laying on the tabletop...

They were _not_ taking eclairs to his mouth...and he did **_not_** like that.

Cold golden eyes pierced Elendira's corneas and seeped into her mind, making her wince. Midvalley leaned forward rapt with attention as the tension mounted.

The Crimson Nail painstakingly painted a sweet smile on her face, as she squeezed Legato's hands, making sure they would not dart from her. "Legato," she began, trying to make her voice drip with feminity as Legato prowled her mind, "..._dear_... You have such a knack with Knives and, well, we _need_ the ship for a day..." She tried to smile as bright as she could so she would not have to open her eyes and watch the psychopath's fiercely probing orbs. "Could you be a _sweety_ and ask Knives to take a tad vacation?"

Midvalley watched Legato's searing glare that seemed to singe Elendira's golden locks. He leaned forward, practically halfway across the table, as Elendira finished her plea and Legato mentally growled.

Which was filled with such vehemence that the rest of the Gung-ho Guns all turned from their mash of chaos to peruse the threatening scene.

Elendira kept her eyes closed and began digging her nails into Legato's hands when she felt him trying to escape. "_Please?_" she asked, layered with anger. "I'll let you have all the left overs and even make every Gung-ho Gun cook an item _JUST_ for you!"

Legato smiled.

Which made every one gasp.

Elendira released her death grasp as Legato rose from his seat, placing his tub of desserts on the table. With a quick turn, the psychopath left the room in stunned silence. Midvalley looked at Elendira, who was doubled over cackling with the relief a dead murderer feels when he finds out he gets into heaven. "I can't believe you just made Legato **_DO _**something!" the musician said, sitting back in his chair when he realized he was leaning over the table.

Elendira stoppped her cackles with a deep sigh and lifted her body back to her sitting position, wiping fearful tears from her wild eyes. "I **_know!_** I thought for a second there I was _dead meat!_"

((With Legato))

He scampered down the hall seeming to lift off the floor with light airy steps filled with an emotion he guessed was happiness. He seemed too preoccupied with the aspect of yummy yummy foodies to notice the smile that seemed to distort his face and turn an expression of joy into one of wild malice. Legato balked at the faded metallic door marking the forbidden abode of the omnipotent Knives.

_Creeeek shunk._

Legato opened the door and pranced inside.

"_Legato._ For the sake of _all_ humanity, this better be an _**emergency.**_ Are the Gung-ho Guns on fire?"

Legato stopped, face fallen, and stared at the bathroom entrance covered in blood-stained marble and burgundy velvet drapes spanning the roof and flooding onto the floor like an undulating snake, dieing from its own poison. He stared at the mirror, spanning the full length of the wall opposite him.

_Oh right._ He remembered why he came here.

"No Master. Don't be _silly!_ I understand you've been having a hard time since Vash the Stampede went into _hiding..._" he began, sweeping down into a low bow.

The room fell silent as Knives sank to his chin in deep aromas known only to earthians. "_**Your point?**_" He scowled at his voice that insisted on breaking his serene silent.

Legato smiled. "Perhaps getting away from ship and going _human_ hunting with the Doctor might clear your mind of your stress..."

Knives opened his navy eyes and stared at the ceiling.

Oh yes. He knew Legato was up to something.

But... he **_was_** in a bath and it **was** relaxing.

Knives closed his eyes absolutely _refusing _to look into Legato's mind and bother himself with his minions little games. "_Fine,_" the plant muttered. "Tell the Doctor to pack his things and be ready tomorrow. _And Legato..._"

The name stabbed its owner.

"Yes Master?"

"_Don't ever lie to me again._"

The minion shudder as sweat condensed on his pale skin. With a final deep bow (from the one he was already in), Legato creeped out of the room, perturbed by the feeling of his masters' piercing eyes shifting through his soul.

_creek shunk_

Knives sighed and smiled. He felt like singing.

"Soo. One the first evening hmm hmmm..."

((The Next Morning))

The arid suns split the skies with searing light which casacaded down to the earth like a whirlwind, lifting miniscule specs of sand into the faces of the fully assembled Gung-ho Guns (except for Wolfwood). Knives stood before his gathering of assissins, fully alert and ready for death at a moment's notice. Despite his disdain for anything human, Knives could not help but feel a sense of pride when faced with this scene of menacing respect. He knew the power of his minions and the _fear_ he instilled in them. And it pleased him.

Knives smiled, turning away from the line of killers and to Conrad. "Let's go."

With that, the two melted into the horizon as if they were icecubes shrinking in the blazing heat.

Speaking of _icecubes..._

Elendira clapped her hands together as Midvalley set up the portable stage. The rest of the Gung-ho Guns gathered around the entrance of the SEEDs ship, shaded by an overhanging scrap of metal, and argued furiously about who was the master of confections.

"Everyone calm down!" Elendira yelled, standing on the stage as Midvalley crouched by the steps, setting up the microphone. "I'm surprised we actually put all of this together in _**one**_ _night..._ In any case, it's time we start the **First Annual Gung-ho Bake Sale!** Midvalley went into town yesterday and set up the flyers, so the customers should be coming any minute, right Middy dear?" she (he?) asked, turning to the stage steps.

Midvalley raised a thumbs up in reply, desperately trying to untangle a bundle of cords.

The Gung-ho Guns nodded and disappated to their respective booths. Dominique sat in front of her bags of assorted trail mix, opening a book. E.G. Mine hobble over to his booth set up with an open grill and assorted meats to cook shish kabobs (A/N: wow. I'm gonna be starving by the time I'm finished with this). Monev hunched over a cake stand, painstakingly icing a cupcake to look like a thomas. Gauntlet rolled to his booth and prepared an additional batch of his famous tapioca for the afternoon rush. Rai-dei settled himself behind his sushi stand, setting a myriad of knives onto his cutting board and wrapping a headband around his head to hold back his bangs. Leonev prepared the batter for his crepes as his puppets worked on the fruits and cheese to cook them with. Livio and Master C gently placed their chocolate crucibles on the table, for fear of breaking them since the morning suns already proved too much for their creations. Zazie perched on a stool and unwrapped one of his tequila suckers (with the worm inside) and popped it into his mouth as he took stock of his other suckers. And Grey the Ninelives, unable to cook with his bulky body (much less fit in a booth), held up the sign at the entrance of the sale.

Elendira looked from her perched atop the stage with a pleased smile.

Which quickly faded when she realized one of the Gung-ho Guns was missing...

The most important Gung-ho Gun...

...Legato.

Fear and suspicion quickly coursed through her body as she ran to the stage steps and crouched beside a fuming Midvalley, now completely covered in multiple colors of wires.

"Midvalley... _Legato isn't here..._"

Midvalley growled, pulling a relunctant cord from his hair. "_So?_ Saves us a lot of trouble."

"**No** you idiot!! He's the one who's supposed to _bring_ the people here so they can buy stuff! As much as I **_HATE_** to say it... we _need_ him," the transvestite finished, peering over her shoulder as the rest of the Gung-ho Guns glared at each others food, formulating plans to corrupt it.

Midvalley sighed, slumping over the electronics. "ugh.. _Fine._ I'll help you loo-"

He stopped as Elendira placed a hand on his shoulder which made him look at it's owner. Elendira stared wide eyed at the hull's doorway, which made Midvalley follow her gaze. Their eyes fixated on Legato, wearing a cheery white confectioner's hat and bright yellow apron, as he walked to a separate booth and put down a plate covered with a light blue linen cloth. He smiled as he lightly patted the top and scurried back inside for another plate...

Elendira looked at Midvalley.

Midvalley looked at Elendira.

"_He wasn't supposed to cook..._" the Crimson Nail muttered.

"Then... _why **did** he?_" the Hornfreak mummered.

"I _think_ what we should be worried about is... **_what_** _did he cook?_" the Nail whispered, her voice quivering with fear.

Midvalley pulled the cords from his body as he hurried to Legato's table with Elendira in tow. He reached for the cloth...

_WHACK._

Only to be intercepted by Legato's ladel.

"You can wait until they're _all_ out," the psychic said with a glare filled with such malice that all the Hornfreak could see for a split second was a hell filled with exploding babies beating kittens to death with clubs made from cute little puppies. Legato sniffed and walked back inside, coming back with the last of his plates.

The entire assortment of Gung-ho Guns gathered around Legato's booth as he walked behind it and set the covered plates in a aesthetically pleasing order. The air grew thick as Legato grabbed a corner of the blue linen cloth with Vash's hand and gently tugged at it, relishing as the Gung-ho Guns suffered in their curiousity.

_tug. whiff._

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Zazie yelled, jumping back as a muffin twitched...

Well... a finger in the muffin.

The rest of the Gung-ho Guns stared in utter confusion as Legato beamed over his beautifully browned muffins which held a faint red tint... and twitching body parts.

He held one up to Elendira, who buried her face in her soft hands and groaned in dismay. "Try one! Fresh from the oven!"

"Legato... for the love of god... please tell me you made those from passer-bys."

Legato frowned in confusion as the Gung-ho Guns stared in sudden horror of what Elendira just muttered. "Of course not! Travelers are too tough to make good dough!"

Elendira slid a hand through her hair and rested the other on her hip. "So... you killed the townspeople..."

"Of course!" Legato said, stilling holding out his muffin.

"All of them?" she groaned, staring at the many plates of muffins.

"Well I haven't used them all. I was going to save some for Master's birthday. He calls them my soylent muffins!" Legato said, smiled peeling off the muffin wrap and taking off a chunk to pop into his mouth.

"...All of them... All of the towns people. The VERY towns people who were supposed to buy our food..." Elendira groaned, rubbing her temples in frustration.

The Gung-ho Guns stared in terror as Legato ate his bite of muffin and grimaced as he pulled out a wedding ring. "Hmm. I'll have to check them before I cook them next time..."

_Grooooooan._

So the Gung-ho Guns packed up the First Annual Gung-ho Bake Sale and went back to their lives of doing nothing in Knives' abode. Legato ate his muffins away from the rest of the Gung-ho Guns who yelled and flinched when a finger twitched. Knives returned, delighted to see Legato's "soylent muffins" and allowed the Gung-ho Guns their time of rest after relieving his stress on humanity.

Meanwhile. Miles away. Wolfwood got a sudden feeling of relief.

((((End))))

C-E: yay!! Another chapter! Finally!! Next up will be a new story which I loves to death or another random chapter! Review me if you have any ideas for the Legato Asks series! Cause you won't want to like where the rest of these go! Hope you enjoyed it! Till next time! SOYLENT MUFFINS!


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